Things as they are... Merely things

I always thought I knew myself very well. But now I know, I had never had a good look at myself in the past. I always thought i was logical over emotion. But actually I feel alot of emotions very intensely. Thus I craved to be logical to prevent myself from hurting. But now I know, that although it is a flaw, it is also my greatest strenght. Because I can empathise. And it is what drives me at work. For example, The very image of my dad & bro can stirr up so much emotions. 

My bro seemed to have broke my heart. Its a different kind of heartbreak. It feels a lot like lost hope. Built up walls. And definately lots of dissapointments. They say life is full of ups & downs... And I am so glad I have God in my life. I know that he will light my path. And I will protect myself & love myself. 

My Tears

My tears, they flowed along with my fears. My mind, it wandered off too far. Who is to say whats right whats wrong? Who is to say whats black whats white? 

I am my own compass for my life. My own captain for my ship. My own conductor for my song. 

Its my path alone to walk. I trust my gut & whom I want. Who are you to judge & speak? I have no need to fit your mold! This mold is made for you alone. I have only to answer to God alone. And I trust my God is near, always watching me in peace. Ever loving ever kind providing everlasting life. So who are you to curse my state of mind? When I walk out of this, I shall see & not be blind. 

Damn, I wasted my excercise. 

My life

IAs I look at my life. I feel pretty happy with it. Badminton, Bball, upcoming netball, RCIA. Seriously, there is no need at all to go drink & feel so terrible the next day. I do enjoy a slow chilled weekend of drinks but yesterday was pure crazy (in my standards). One shot & I was pukey! 

So I decided that clubs are giving me a headache. If I really had to drink, I prefer a slow chilled drink prolly in a more relaxed place and beer is better, always! 

I felt a tad sad yesterday at the club. Because I seem to be leading the life that he leads (which I hated) & I felt like a hypocrite. And than I recalled that its the frequency that one drinks. And more importantly, its the lifestyle that he choose and not so much the drinks & party. 

As I look at N, I wonder & cannot help ponder. Why does everyone drink!? Gee... Seems like RJ is the only person I know who doesnt drink... Is drinking really so much part of our life? Or am I just one of the weirdest person around who doesn't enjoy drinking?! Where am I going to find the same weirdo who can spend an entire weekend without drinks?

Emo Day

Today i feel so down

Hey Nov

Time flies & days, weeks & months have gone by. Pretty soon, it'll be Dec, my fav time of the year. Its a very beautiful month dec, all the nice songs, bright lights & and the feeling of Christmas approaching. Its simply overwhelming just to think about it. 

The place I went yesterday reminds me alot of Christmas. Just a little more tranquility and a little more mysterious. 

Am I expecting anything? I guess not. Looking back, I see where dreams, expectations & promises have brought me. Its not a very happy place. My past haunts me but I cannot help thinking. Just 'what if?'. I do not know where my bravery comes from.

Do I feel happy? I felt comfortable, at ease, at peace but I am too afraid to think if I am happy. I just let it be and basked in the moment. I am afraid because there's no hint and no indication. What if I am just overthinking it?  

I am contented at how it is for now. No expectations, no dreams, no promises and thus no dissapointments. Just truly enjoying every fleeting moment as it comes. Feeling very comfortable, confident & liberated. But yet, at times, I cannot help myself from curiously pondering & eagerly anticipating like a child. 

Warrior

I am so in love with this song and its on replay on my itunes:-

This is a story that I've never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed so confused, I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than ive ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you cant get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes,I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I'lll never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed so confused, I'm not broken, or bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
Im a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Nooo oooh yeaaah yeaah

You can never hurt me again

Source:http://www.directlyrics.com/demi-lovato-warrior-lyrics.html

Capable of such joy

I woke up this morning with a new prespective and so much joy. Well nightmare aside... Maybe I vented all my emotions in the nightmare. Screamed out all my frustrations haha