Things as they are... Merely things

I always thought I knew myself very well. But now I know, I had never had a good look at myself in the past. I always thought i was logical over emotion. But actually I feel alot of emotions very intensely. Thus I craved to be logical to prevent myself from hurting. But now I know, that although it is a flaw, it is also my greatest strenght. Because I can empathise. And it is what drives me at work. For example, The very image of my dad & bro can stirr up so much emotions. 

My bro seemed to have broke my heart. Its a different kind of heartbreak. It feels a lot like lost hope. Built up walls. And definately lots of dissapointments. They say life is full of ups & downs... And I am so glad I have God in my life. I know that he will light my path. And I will protect myself & love myself. 

My Tears

My tears, they flowed along with my fears. My mind, it wandered off too far. Who is to say whats right whats wrong? Who is to say whats black whats white? 

I am my own compass for my life. My own captain for my ship. My own conductor for my song. 

Its my path alone to walk. I trust my gut & whom I want. Who are you to judge & speak? I have no need to fit your mold! This mold is made for you alone. I have only to answer to God alone. And I trust my God is near, always watching me in peace. Ever loving ever kind providing everlasting life. So who are you to curse my state of mind? When I walk out of this, I shall see & not be blind. 

Damn, I wasted my excercise. 

My life

IAs I look at my life. I feel pretty happy with it. Badminton, Bball, upcoming netball, RCIA. Seriously, there is no need at all to go drink & feel so terrible the next day. I do enjoy a slow chilled weekend of drinks but yesterday was pure crazy (in my standards). One shot & I was pukey! 

So I decided that clubs are giving me a headache. If I really had to drink, I prefer a slow chilled drink prolly in a more relaxed place and beer is better, always! 

I felt a tad sad yesterday at the club. Because I seem to be leading the life that he leads (which I hated) & I felt like a hypocrite. And than I recalled that its the frequency that one drinks. And more importantly, its the lifestyle that he choose and not so much the drinks & party. 

As I look at N, I wonder & cannot help ponder. Why does everyone drink!? Gee... Seems like RJ is the only person I know who doesnt drink... Is drinking really so much part of our life? Or am I just one of the weirdest person around who doesn't enjoy drinking?! Where am I going to find the same weirdo who can spend an entire weekend without drinks?

Emo Day

Today i feel so down

Hey Nov

Time flies & days, weeks & months have gone by. Pretty soon, it'll be Dec, my fav time of the year. Its a very beautiful month dec, all the nice songs, bright lights & and the feeling of Christmas approaching. Its simply overwhelming just to think about it. 

The place I went yesterday reminds me alot of Christmas. Just a little more tranquility and a little more mysterious. 

Am I expecting anything? I guess not. Looking back, I see where dreams, expectations & promises have brought me. Its not a very happy place. My past haunts me but I cannot help thinking. Just 'what if?'. I do not know where my bravery comes from.

Do I feel happy? I felt comfortable, at ease, at peace but I am too afraid to think if I am happy. I just let it be and basked in the moment. I am afraid because there's no hint and no indication. What if I am just overthinking it?  

I am contented at how it is for now. No expectations, no dreams, no promises and thus no dissapointments. Just truly enjoying every fleeting moment as it comes. Feeling very comfortable, confident & liberated. But yet, at times, I cannot help myself from curiously pondering & eagerly anticipating like a child. 

Warrior

I am so in love with this song and its on replay on my itunes:-

This is a story that I've never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed so confused, I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than ive ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you cant get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes,I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I'lll never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed so confused, I'm not broken, or bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
Im a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Nooo oooh yeaaah yeaah

You can never hurt me again

Source:http://www.directlyrics.com/demi-lovato-warrior-lyrics.html

Capable of such joy

I woke up this morning with a new prespective and so much joy. Well nightmare aside... Maybe I vented all my emotions in the nightmare. Screamed out all my frustrations haha

Coney Island

It is a small island but it was so fun & relaxing to go on a walk with friends. Although this was the sadest period of my life; for some reasons it is also becoming the happiest period. Rediscovering myself, doing excercise, sweating it all out, getting to know God, healthy breakfast, working hard daily. Yet also enjoying the company of myself and my friends. 

Such Dark Times

"The words he said just keeps replaying in my head

Like a cruel horror flick; this replay I cannot tame

He wants to leave I see. And it is cruel for me to stay he says.

And so I allow him to leave & be free."

You only know how hurt you have been when you can no longer function at work or enjoy the hobbies you used to love. And so I go out to numb myself from all this pain. I meet friends, I work all day. I never stop and yet the pain goes on.... even in my dreams, I cried & shouted myself awake. I can only blame myself for all of these things going on right now. Only I can pull myself out of this and yet I am stuck in a dark place. Sometimes, I cannot find strength to wake up & do what i need to do. I wish I could sleep my pain away. 

I am going to lots of places. I am going to recover. I am going to hate him. I am going to forgive myself. I am going to carry on. I am going to survive. 

Nightmare

Abandonment is such a painful feeling. I have been waking up to nightmares & I feel as if I am crumpling under this immense stress. I think sometimes, we need a little time to face up to the facts. And with each experience we grow a little by a little more. 

Forgiveness is very tough for me now. I cannot seem to comprehend what I have been put through. And no level of support except my God & my own will ever get me through this. 

Dear Me

You have such good friends around you willing to cheer you up. Its ok if you feel too tired and just do not want to talk about it anymore. And also please quit thinking it. 

I know you have tried very hard to keep this marriage going. And you do know that despite all that this going on you have put in your full 100% & love into this relationship. 

So forgive yourself for making mistakes along the way. Forgive yourself for loosing your cool & having a meltdown that day. Forgive yourself for making him feel sufferings when all you wanted was for you both to be happy again. Forgive yourself for your impatience. 

Wish with all your heart for the best of him. Its only kind that you let what you love go & be truly happy. Not that you dont matter. Of course you matter. But at this point, this is the very least you can do for him. The image of his happiness will keep you knowing that you did the right thing. 

Calmness

As I replay the happenings in my head, I see the incidents as it is.

Sufferings only occur in our heads. And reality only exists in our perception of things. I am no saint and I do feel sad, hurt and get angry at times. And all I wanted was for my partner to say its ok despite the times we acted out of emotions. Instead I am only told that divorce is the only way out. 

I am in acceptance of things now. And I shall not hold back what he wants for my own selfishness. It is not that what I want does not matter. Of course it matters! 

And I want to let go so that he will thus be who he was & be happy. 

Dear God

Forgive me father for walking away

I pray in this most difficult time for your strenght & wisdom

To allow your grace to heal me & light to guide me 

Father I feel so forsaken and alone 

Please place your healing hands on me

Please let my family & his family bear no pain from our mistake

Please let our pet bear no memory of this hurt 

Amen

How odd

How odd this day I made 2 calls

For I cared enough to make it best

Only to trigger anger & disdain 

How odd he choose hurtful words to speak & type

With disregard for consequence or my care

By now i should see the truth; of how this man he truly feels

Hollow & dark deep inside that beating heart

How odd I choose to still cling on; to nothing more than broken truth

There is none more healing than god's grace and perhaps to move away