Capable of such joy

I woke up this morning with a new prespective and so much joy. Well nightmare aside... Maybe I vented all my emotions in the nightmare. Screamed out all my frustrations haha

Coney Island

It is a small island but it was so fun & relaxing to go on a walk with friends. Although this was the sadest period of my life; for some reasons it is also becoming the happiest period. Rediscovering myself, doing excercise, sweating it all out, getting to know God, healthy breakfast, working hard daily. Yet also enjoying the company of myself and my friends. 

Such Dark Times

"The words he said just keeps replaying in my head

Like a cruel horror flick; this replay I cannot tame

He wants to leave I see. And it is cruel for me to stay he says.

And so I allow him to leave & be free."

You only know how hurt you have been when you can no longer function at work or enjoy the hobbies you used to love. And so I go out to numb myself from all this pain. I meet friends, I work all day. I never stop and yet the pain goes on.... even in my dreams, I cried & shouted myself awake. I can only blame myself for all of these things going on right now. Only I can pull myself out of this and yet I am stuck in a dark place. Sometimes, I cannot find strength to wake up & do what i need to do. I wish I could sleep my pain away. 

I am going to lots of places. I am going to recover. I am going to hate him. I am going to forgive myself. I am going to carry on. I am going to survive. 

Nightmare

Abandonment is such a painful feeling. I have been waking up to nightmares & I feel as if I am crumpling under this immense stress. I think sometimes, we need a little time to face up to the facts. And with each experience we grow a little by a little more. 

Forgiveness is very tough for me now. I cannot seem to comprehend what I have been put through. And no level of support except my God & my own will ever get me through this. 

Dear Me

You have such good friends around you willing to cheer you up. Its ok if you feel too tired and just do not want to talk about it anymore. And also please quit thinking it. 

I know you have tried very hard to keep this marriage going. And you do know that despite all that this going on you have put in your full 100% & love into this relationship. 

So forgive yourself for making mistakes along the way. Forgive yourself for loosing your cool & having a meltdown that day. Forgive yourself for making him feel sufferings when all you wanted was for you both to be happy again. Forgive yourself for your impatience. 

Wish with all your heart for the best of him. Its only kind that you let what you love go & be truly happy. Not that you dont matter. Of course you matter. But at this point, this is the very least you can do for him. The image of his happiness will keep you knowing that you did the right thing. 

Calmness

As I replay the happenings in my head, I see the incidents as it is.

Sufferings only occur in our heads. And reality only exists in our perception of things. I am no saint and I do feel sad, hurt and get angry at times. And all I wanted was for my partner to say its ok despite the times we acted out of emotions. Instead I am only told that divorce is the only way out. 

I am in acceptance of things now. And I shall not hold back what he wants for my own selfishness. It is not that what I want does not matter. Of course it matters! 

And I want to let go so that he will thus be who he was & be happy.